…it is time!
Oh my giddy-goddy lockdown the image of the Bald Eagle is very fitting for today’s topic. I am hoping many of you have found yourself in the same boat as me during this period of odd goings-on. Basically, I thought it was time for a tidy up, (you know where). I’d had a new gadget bought for Christmas, but haven’t been able to put it to use recently as my “normal” beauty regime has completely gone out of the window. So, prior to getting in the shower last night I was confronted with not only my new #Lockdown body image starring back at me in the mirror, but a monstrosity of a bush that has been utterly forgotten over the last month or so. I am really crap at gardening, (outdoors not my lady garden), but I must admit my garden (outdoors), is presently tidier than my undercarriage. I closed the bathroom door in case the kids caught me straddling the toilet to ensure my shavings went down successfully. I always worry when I’m doing this because if they did catch me it would look like the scene from Mrs Doubtfire when Robin Williams is taking a ‘man’ pee stood up but wearing his Mrs Doubtfire costume. His son completely freaks out screaming, “he’s a she-she, she’s a he-he”. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMKPnnLzoAg
You get my drift.
Anyway, I started hacking away on my bikini line without the guard on my shaver to get more precision, but as I pulled away I caught the body of the bush which left a mark like I was trying to shave some sort of artwork in to the area. I tried to rectify the mistake only to give myself a Mohawk which looked utterly inappropriate and ridiculous. After another couple of minutes I appeared to have a Billy Goat’s Gruff look going on as the only hair that remained was a goatee right down at the bottom. Again, looked horrendous so I went back to work with the shaver. Finally, when I had to admit there was nothing left to work with and the damage was done, I decided I’d have to go for the pre-pubescent, Bald Eagle, extremely-tidy-lady-garden look. Don’t worry, you can safely continue to scroll down and read on, I haven’t attached a clip of the finished product today, I thought the eagle and shavings would give you a clear enough picture!
Safe to say I’m not looking forward to the regrowth over the next few days!
The thing is, no matter what you do to your lady-garden, that area is never really going to be attractive is it? Until I got food poisoning from mussels a while ago, I used to absolutely love them, (the mussels not the lady-garden). I was borderline obsessed with Moules Mariniere, so much so that if I was in France on holiday I would overdose on as many servings of them as I possibly could. The day I had moules for lunch AND dinner was the beginning of the end of my fetish with the shellfish. Being sick through your legs whilst your arse was throwing up at the other end as well is a memory I will never forget. It got so bad I even hallucinated about a giant clam coming for me in between throwing up and shitting myself. Unfortunately, since that day I have been rather wary of the French’s culinary delight. In addition to this, it was at this point that my other half decided to tell me the reason he does not care for mussels is the simple fact that they look like a fanny.
Wonderful. Just wonderful, my newly shaved lady-garden looks even more like a clam now thanks to my overzelous hacking.
Anyway, enjoy the beautiful sunshine folks, wherever you are in lockdown today and don’t let the image of my lady-garden put you off your Moules Mariniere!